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Gethin

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...
  • Chamberlain

Wanting to be a Green politician.

 

A man walks into a Parliament office and says to the receptionist,

"I would like to put my name forward for the forthcoming elections
to be a Green M.P."

The receptionist replied, "Certainly sir. Please fill in this form.''

He was filling the form OK until he came to the question -

''Are you circumcised?''

So he asked the receptionist, "Is this question necessary?"

She replied, "If you are circumcised you are not eligible."

He then asked, "What difference does it make if I am circumcised?"

She replied, "To become a Green MP you have to be a complete dick."

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  • Chamberlain

A grade three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast.
To add a spelling component,she asks the students to also spell their answers. 
  
Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg, 'E-G-G'.
'Very good', says the teacher. 
  
Peter says he had toast 'T-O-A-S-T'.
'Excellent.' 
  
Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him.
'I had bugger all', he says, ' B-U-G-G-E-R-A-L-L'.
The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer. 
  
Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions. 
  
Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada .
Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada 's east coast.
When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson,
and decides to give him a very difficult question. 
  
Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani border?'
Johnny ponders the question and finally says,
'The Pakistani boarder is in bed with my mother.
That's why I got bugger all for breakfast'.

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • Chamberlain

THEATRE SEATS
An old man lay awkwardly sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theatre
 
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man,
 
"Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
 
The old man didn't budge.

 

The usher became more impatient.
 
"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
 
Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment returned with the manager.
 
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man, but with no success.
 
Finally they summoned the police.
 
The officer surveyed the situation briefly, then asked, "All right, buddy, what's your name?"
 
"Fred," the old man moaned.
 
"Where you from, Fred?" asked the police officer.
 
With a terrible strain in his voice, and without moving, Fred replied; 
 
 
 
 
 
"The balcony"....... 

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  • Chamberlain

Where to go - without leaving home

Where to go

I have been in many places in my life but I've never been in Cahoots.  
Apparently, you can't go alone. 
You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito.  
I hear no one recognizes you there.

 I have, however, been in Sane.  
They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there.  
I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends and family.  
I live close so it's a short drive.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt.  
That is a sad place to go and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense!  It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart!  
At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not

People keep telling me I'm in Denial but I'm positive I've never been there before!

I have been in Deepshit many times; the older I get, the easier it is to get there. 
I actually kind of enjoy it there.

So far, I haven't been in Continent, but my travel agent says it is on the list…

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • Chamberlain

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and she was upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'
   The husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute, love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'
 
'Go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
 
And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
 
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
 
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
 
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
 
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.
 
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
 
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'
 
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said ............
 
'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?

 

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  • Chamberlain

THE ITALIAN TEST
I was a very happy man.  My wonderful Italian girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me.  It was her beautiful younger sister.  My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less.
 
She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.  It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
 
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.  She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
 
She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
 
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
 
She said, “I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.”
 
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.  I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.  I opened the door and headed straight towards my car.
 
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
 
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law to be put down his shotgun,  and hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test.  We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.  Welcome to the family.”
 
The moral of this story:
Always keep your condoms in your car!

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • Founder
On 3/28/2021 at 8:01 PM, koolrebel said:

THE ITALIAN TEST
I was a very happy man.  My wonderful Italian girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me.  It was her beautiful younger sister.  My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less.
 
She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.  It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
 
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.  She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
 
She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
 
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
 
She said, “I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.”
 
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.  I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.  I opened the door and headed straight towards my car.
 
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
 
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law to be put down his shotgun,  and hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test.  We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.  Welcome to the family.”
 
The moral of this story:
Always keep your condoms in your car!

🤣🤣🤣

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  • Chamberlain

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.  
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you
wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
 
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,Given that
you are blind, that you should know five things:
 
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
 
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in
karate.
 
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight
lifter.
 
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
 
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that
blonde joke?'
 
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

 

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  • Chamberlain

I used to think I was just a normal person, but I was born white, which now, whether I like it or not, makes me a racist.

I am a fiscal and moral conservative, which by today's standards, makes me a fascist.

I am heterosexual, which now makes me a homophobe.

I am mostly non-union, which makes me a traitor to the working class and an ally of big business.

I was christened by my parents (who were married, in a church and remained married until they died), which now labels me as an infidel.

I am older than 65 and retired, which makes me useless.

I think and I reason, therefore I doubt much that the main stream media tells me, which must make me a reactionary.

I am proud of my heritage which makes me a xenophobe.

I value my safety and that of my family and I appreciate the police and the legal system, which makes me a right-wing extremist.

I believe in hard work, fair play, and fair compensation according to each individual's merits, which today makes me an anti-socialist.

I believe in the defence and protection of the Country for and by all citizens, and I honour those who served in the Armed Forces, which now makes me a right wing-militant.

Funny but it's all just taken place over the last 7 or 8 years!

Finally, as if all this nonsense wasn't enough to deal with now I'm not even sure which public toilet to go into!

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